In those small dark hours of the morning...

...is when I go a little crazy.

I am tired all the time now - Mom can no longer be left alone.  At all.  Ever.

The exhaustion is grinding.  It eats at my sanity, it erodes my body.

TW & Twinks are showing the effects, too.  We are all snapping at one another; we are all perpetually waiting for our turn to sleep.

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For the last two weeks, we have had what TW euphemistically calls "hired guns" every night; these are trained healthcare workers who sit with Mom every night, Monday through Friday.  They are lovely ladies; sweet, caring, professional.  But they are also here only overnight - at $22/hour, we really can't afford them, but we can no longer afford NOT to have them.  Twinks has school... TW has work... and I have to get a little bit of rest, even if I have to *pay* for it.

Most nights, it crosses my mind at least once that I am *paying* someone $22/hour for the privilege of sleeping in my own home.  I lie in the dark, doing the mental math. 

The numbers are frightening.

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The weekends have been mine.  Saturday and Sunday nights, I am up all night - sitting next to Mom's bed, making sure that she is OK.   The job is relatively simple; make sure that she doesn't try to get up out of bed unassisted.  Help her in the bathroom.  Keep her safe, and comfortable.  Let her know that she isn't alone; that someone is there with her in those small, dark hours of the morning...

Make sure that she isn't scared.

Because I am scared enough for both of us.

New Year, New Look

Yep, I've changed things around.

Again.

Poor TW says that I like to move the furniture around just to drive him nuts. 

I have always been this way... I like to move things around a bit, see what they look like when you put this over there, and that over here.  Move the sofa to the other side of the room, and the link list to a whole new spot on the blog.

The new template, the changes are just my way of welcoming a new year, and looking forward to Spring.

I didn't realize how much I *needed* to look forward to Spring until tonight.  I need the hope and joy that come with the soft, new grass, and the eager daffodils.

I need the renewal that arrives with the baby birds, and their Mama-birds, eager to feed them.  I need to refresh my spirit and my soul with the rituals of Easter, and the delicate, shell-pink sunrises that creep up through frosty dawns.

I need these things now, because my Mom is continuing her descent through dementia.  I need the feeling of new life, of hope and of joy to counterbalance the sadness and despair.  I need a shot of fresh green leaves and tiny defiant blossoms to shore up my belief that life can, and will, go on.

So, here's to new years, new beginnings, and pushing the furniture around.  Shake out the cobwebs, clear out the dustbunnies, and spruce up the ol' blog. 

Spring *will* come again.